I’ve had a difficult time walking down memory lane since my last post. I started out making a list of specific times when other people tried to make me aware of the passive aggressive drama in my marriage. As I continued to dredge up those memories it became more and more depressing as the realization of what I had allowed myself to lose / give up over the years slowly came into focus. It was hard at first to even open my mind to exploring this part of the PA drama that’s been such a huge part of my life for so many years – the sacrifices made, shattered hopes and dreams, loss of friendships. But I determinedly pushed through the denial anyway, as difficult as it was, and things slowly began to come into focus in my minds eye.
The tears I cried over the years for those unnecessary sacrifices due to my husbands betrayals were many. But the tears wept this week during this process felt like tears of mourning for a life I could have had but for my own decisions.
Still, if I had it to do all over again, I don’t think leaving my marriage would have been the answer. There were too many good things our children were blessed with by having their father under the same roof 24/7 for their entire childhood that I wouldn’t want to take away from them. It’s a big part of what made them who they are – self confident, strong, intuitive human beings. They knew their father sabotaged me a lot. But they also knew he loved me in his own way. They saw my tears when the going got tough and they saw my tenacity through it all. They also saw that no one is perfect. That we all bring our life experiences to every relationship and situation.
I remember once when just the 3 of us, the kids and I, were having some bonding time. They were in their early 20′s and shared something with me their dad had done for years. He had set up a reoccurring scenario with them in which he played the hero by “protecting” them from me. For example, he would suggest they not tell me things, little things that didn’t amount to a hill of beans, so I wouldn’t get mad. Apparently it went on for years and years. He was trying to make my “mad” a scary thing to them, probably because it was so scary to him due to his own childhood experiences. But over the long haul it didn’t really hurt the kids or my relationship with them because they grew to know that my mad wasn’t ever as bad as their dad imagined it would be.
My determination to be the very best mother I could be led me to be a great communicator with them. Some of our best one-on-one bonding times were in the car without their dad. That’s probably the biggest thing that worked in my favor and theirs in spite of the PA drama going on around us. I worked very hard at building and maintaining our bond. At teaching them about human nature and how our past experiences can affect our decisions.
Please don’t think I’m trying to convey any semblance of “perfection” on my part because I’m far from it. I definitely came to the marriage and to motherhood with my own huge set of dysfunctional thoughts and behaviors. It’s just that I’ve been on a lifelong mission to become the best person I can before my time here is up. I still have a very long way to go, but I’ve also come a very long way.
K
